Hit up my old math teacher due to withdrawals 🤦‍♂️

I was on xans for about 15 years. I started when I was 14 and stopped just recently. I’ve been tapering off for around a year but even so I’ve have been having bad withdrawals after going down to 0.

One of the many reasons I was put on xans in the first place was that I had been unable to stop compulsively fantasizing about people in, shall we say, an impolite way. It really got problematic when I started having those thoughts my freshman year math teacher. It got so bad it tanked my math grade to a 33% and the rest of my grades followed suit. My social life got ruined too. It all coalesced into a complete mental breakdown on the night of the homecoming dance when i confessed my obsessions about the teacher to my date during “our song.” she got so mad she announced it to the whole class during her homecoming princess speech. Very soon after I got on xans and transferred schools due to humiliation.

I owe the drug so much because it pretty much nipped my sexual obsessive tendencies in the bud and I was able to succeed socially and academically at my new school. 15 years later, I figured enough time had passed and I had gone thru enough therapy and that I no longer needed Xanax.

Turns out I was wrong. I immediately fell back into the old habits of fantasizing about my math teacher, who is now in his late 50s. Last night I was looking him up to find old pictures of him and found his fb profile. I made an impulsive decision to send him a message. I just said “hey”, so nothing incriminating, but still extremely embarrassing.

I’m so confused why my brain went back to obsessing over an old teacher, especially since I work for IT at a fire station and thus there are a lot more interesting and obvious choices for fantasizing. I guess xans never fixed the problem, they just pressed pause for 15 years…