April 2nd, 2019
48,339
This is probably the worst one I have ever seen in the wild
April 2nd, 2019
48,339
Comments:
LBDazzled
I like how her Target is a rough-and-tumble one that apparently has on-demand security guards that come running when you yell for them.
I can barely ever find anyone to help me when I'm trying to find something, but she can get someone to the candy aisle just by shouting? Ok.
8,847
obamas_surrogate
I used to work at Target and we usually had one plain-clothes security guard that would follow shoplifters around. He only responded when we called for him though, he wasn’t just like on patrol.
521
_did_I_stutter
Lol me too! And he and I would always have the same lunch break. He was a freakin nut.
He told me he built a specific wooden chest for his daughter to put his toys in so they’d be protected from “spirits” and extra receptive to sage treatments he did
He told me Jurassic Park had already happened with at LEAST bacterial organisms and the government had released them upon us for population control, since nobody was immune anymore. Apparently, this is the origin of Ebola and BSE.
He told me that his cells were actually not undergoing mitosis at a normal rate (which is necessary for growth and y’know, basic human life), but his meiosis rate (sperm cells) was faster than usual. Therefore, he was very different from the population and doctors wanted to study him. But “jokes on them, I’m not interested in being their little lab rat mutation. I’ve worked in security for X years, who knows what they want with me”
He implied a couple times that he believed if he drank enough water and salt, (?) (in my own words) his salinity level would decrease his density and he could run faster. So. He didn’t drink much water because he claimed to have a lower tolerance for sodium and water, since the more salt and water he takes in, the lighter he becomes.
I mean, he was nice. He actually tackled an escaped fugitive in our target once, right in front of me.
164
nan_slack
He implied a couple times that he believed if he drank enough water and salt, (?) (in my own words) his salinity level would decrease his density and he could run faster
that doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about salt to dispute it
100
_did_I_stutter
Honestly he only told me these things because I told him I was taking biology classes for my degree....buuuut essentially, it’s like an oxymoron. Salt BONDS to water and will cause you to swell up from retention of water, causing weight gain. I’m thinking he did this once, his body swelled up, and he assumed his body had the same property as a balloon
52
liluzigodmode
[deleted]
kadno
One of my friends did that job, he said it was fucking awesome
87
Badass_moose
What was awesome about it?
58
[deleted]
They’ve been married 3 years
342
cancutgunswithmind
please clap
47
Hurricaden
Don't need to, the whole store already did
22
drunk-deriver
[deleted]
The only time I see them they're "on break" at the snack bar eating.
1,560
DrSpacemanSpliff
The only time I see them, they’re out of uniform and lie to me about not being an employee and that they’re “just here to shop”.
1,076
LegendofDragoon
That is what most department store security does, to be fair.
372
DrSpacemanSpliff
That's weird, because in my experience, department store security spend most of their time dragging me from the store while I scream that I'll sue them, or that they have no idea who I am. And they have NO Idea. Who. I. Am.
574
Joeakuaku
Who are you?
131
[deleted]
You don’t know Dr. Spacemanspliff? What rock have you been living under?
216
Joeakuaku
Hey, who do you think you are, talking to me like that?
79
[deleted]
You don’t know Drackenstein? What rock have you been living under?
89
Joeakuaku
Hey, who do you think you are, talking to me like that?
58
UserNameChanged
SECURITY!
50
TheLoneWanderer220
Dr. Spacemanspliff is the most famous doctor from space ever. He’s well known for destroying companies that kick him out of their stores by suing them for all of their money. Fun fact, that’s how he paid away all his college debt.
38
DrSpacemanSpliff
Jokes on you, I never went to college. Straight into the doctor business out of high school. No debt.
28
anchorgangpro
shit now i kno how 2 pay 4 my kollege debt instead of goin* to prizon
7
CrackOpenABible
DrSpacemanSpliff you illiterate fuck
30
spacemansp11ff
Wish I had my doctorate. 😅😭
10
[deleted]
[deleted]
24
[deleted]
[deleted]
6
ReactsWithWords
What I hate even more is when I call their manager and the manager perpetuates the lie that they don’t work there.
39
DrSpacemanSpliff
And that do-nothing manager asks me to leave and actually appologizes to the lazy employee?!?
22
[deleted]
Keeping the snack bar secure.
13
[deleted]
I used to regularly visit target on my breaks working retail, wearing a red shirt. I'd get asked questions sometimes. I'd always answer them perfectly, and then everyone would clap. Also Obama was there.
117
DisposableFur
Can confirm, I used to regularly visit target on my breaks as an Obama, and I saw a guy with a red shirt once.
32
basilobs
But did he give you $20?
26
NotThatEasily
Einstein gave him $100%.
22
TerryBerry11
I used to work at Target and we occasionally had security. They can't and won't physically remove you though unless you get physical first.
And trust me, no Target employee is going to respond quickly when a guest calls for them. Rule #1, hide from guests.
42
[deleted]
don't forget that he punched someone over a p o p t a r t
28
LBDazzled
Well, it was black Wednesday.
(I don't know what black Wednesday is.)
25
ULTL
I currently work at Target and this is the truest thing ever. I’ll get on the radio to try and get people to help the guests since I’m in the front lanes. It takes forever for anybody to help if it even happens at all.
23
ProbablythelastMimsy
What? Your Target doesn't have Skyrim guards patrolling the aisles?
21
Porzingis02
I’m finally relevant. I was actually a security guard at target. Got fired last Friday, but I can tell you that we do patrol the store, but mostly we stay at the exits. The story is very obviously bullshit, but that parts plausible
81
LBDazzled
I'm sorry you got fired. :(
34
Porzingis02
Haha it’s fine I hated that job
47
db2
On the upside you've been married for 3 years.
87
Porzingis02
Lol very true
25
BusyFriend
Are you still a Porzingis fan after going to the Mavs?
15
Porzingis02
Of course. Always
9
Nexusgamer64
She said "yesterday" and "me and the security guard have been married for 3 years" While I don't know if I believe this, I know it wouldn't be unreasonable for a husband to be on demand near his wife.
20
Gtapex
They’d been married for three years!
11
scrumbly
Metal Gear alert sounds and exclamation point appears above his head.
Security guard: YOU!
11
greenismyhomeboy
Target is a dark place
7
BeanieGuitarGuy
My problem with shopping is that I’m too awkward to ask for help so I end up trailing an employee like a stalker waiting for them to ask if they can help me find anything.
6
KOsanesome
920
TwoThousandandSeven
"what seems to be the pro-" notices ex, double take, rubs eyes in disbelief, "you! We told you to never come back here!"
Edit: “oh and by the way m’lady, will you be my wife? “
851
kitx07
Add in the record scratch
236
MrChewtoy
"Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here"
146
Bearsbarebear
“Well, I met this chick...”
22
Jinpix
Blinks twice dramatically with the little cartoon blinking sound
29
AnonClassicComposer
Literally has xylophones for eyelids
13
[deleted]
Stop! You've violated the law!
60
TwoThousandandSeven
Wait. I know you!
36
[deleted]
You're making a mistake...
25
shooktoheaven
There's no mistake. You're a wanted man, and it's time to pay for your crimes.
16
[deleted]
FUS RO DAH
8
A1burrit0
nuz aansul, fent alok, fod fin vul dovah nok,
7
[deleted]
notices bulge OwO what’s that
26
[deleted]
This reminds me of the beginning of Subway Surfers
5
millllllls
And it's gotta be included for dramatic effect
89
funny_like_how
Such a lame & cartoonish 'movie dialogue' like move.
101
cuntsaveamerica
3,893
[deleted]
Time is a flat circle
1,567
andrethetiny
This place is like somebody's memory of a town, and the memory is fading
413
dobraf
New tagline for Target
141
NoStepOnDingus
Stop saying shit like that.
41
cilantno
It’s unprofessional
24
Tossed_Away_1776
All im sayin is stop sayin odd shit, like you're in someone's memory of a town
17
spunkyweazle
Let's make the car a place of silent reflection
18
Tossed_Away_1776
I been tryin to get you to open up for 3 months, and you pick today.
You asked
Yeah, and now I'm begging you, to shut the fuck up.
14
thndrstrk
You asked
5
ISTHATYOULARRY
I get a bad taste in my mouth out here... aluminum... ash... like you can smell a psychosphere.
23
tkfire15
Maybe they meant that they had married the person 3 years earlier? I don’t know, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this stunning display of stupidity
132
peter_the_martian
Then instead of yelling “security” she should have yelled “honey”
66
I_give_karma_to_men
Maybe they have multiple guards and she didn’t know which ones were nearby.
22
an0nymouse123
Maybe she has multiple honeys nearby so she had to be specific about which one she needed.
28
[deleted]
[deleted]
57
tdashsg
What's the dot over the i?
12
JezzaJ101
July. Also Tuesday
16
Grimey_Rick
And sometimes it's never
10
fezfrascati
Jeremy Bearimy, baby.
3
Slyguy9766
A flat shit circle, Randers.
15
[deleted]
Just like the earth
4
LuciusDickusMaximus
My only guess is that they were already married? Then again, nothing else here makes sense
328
rishi911
Why would they yell "security" if they were already married.
136
Lamplorde
Maybe theres multiple security guards.
Maybe she was shopping at Target and didnt know her husband was on shift because hes a notorious liar and is often off at the strip club.
Maybe shes lying, and none of this happened.
Maybe its Maybelline.
206
Meloetta
My guess is she forgot that this was supposed to be an "oh my god this JUST happened and I'm badass" story by the end and instead went with a "meet cute where I'm badass and get the guy" story.
50
i_am_icarus_falling
it's a term of endearment.
6
millllllls
While I'm not defending any truthfulness to this tale, it doesn't say they met the security guard yesterday...
35
Blaz3dnconfuz3d
One day of marriage feels like three years
36
sewsnap
Pretty sure the security guard was already her husband. So she had her husband rough up her ex.
27
[deleted]
I think it’s that they’re already married
7
heytaradiddle
This seems like what a teenager would imagine as "payback" against a very recent ex.
Most married adults I know don't have public confrontations with exes they broke up with over three years previous, or at the very least would not see that simmering bitterness as something to brag about on the internet.
41
CalebHeffenger
29
[deleted]
I like how the way this was written made my brain automatically picture this like an old western stand off.
“You’ve gained a lot of condfidence...... showing your face around here....”
16
Jakubian
I can only ask one question...
what
9
NicoLOLelTroll
8
blindreefer
7
FoolStack
6
[deleted]
7
[deleted]
6
[deleted]
6
tunaburn
5
Shogunyan
9
Geeber24seven
8
[deleted]
5
Nest-egg
3
Xisrupt
5
siiouxsiie
“yesterday”
“3 years”
4
joetk96
security guard: wait, I know you!
Ex: oh crap oh crap just keep walking don’t get stuck in the dialog wind-
Guard: you have committed crimes against target and her people, what say you in your defense
4
Kittimm
4
Hantom117
124
rttr123
Thats how I feel like 75% of the time on the internet.
Looking for the downvote button or holding myself back from it lol. Because I know its being posted as a joke.
29
[deleted]
496
DancingPianos
No, no, this was Black Wednesday
408
[deleted]
[deleted]
42
[deleted]
Black Wednesday.....
60
meggz43
When we all wear black.
22
SkullsNRoses00
190
somegirl_youdontknow
Such sad. As if it weren’t bad enough being a security guard at Target, your wife is still so concerned with her ex and desperate for attention she’d make up this farce.
36
PearlsofRon
This was my takeaway as well lol. You're married, but still hold a pretty big grudge against your ex. I'm sure that makes your husband, the target security guard, feel great.
27
CalMcCool
Well, it DID just happen yesterday after all
15
LookAFlyingStove
What seems to be the pro— you! We told you never to come back here! •grabs my ex•
When your security guards are secretly skyrim npcs
148
shooktoheaven
Wait. I know you!
25
[deleted]
There's no mistake. You're a wanted man and it's time to pay for your crimes.
10
RainbowReset
I'd give platinum if I wasn't dirt poor. Have a round of applause and an upvote instead 👏👏👏
21
RagingWarCat
73
Guypussy
Can confirm: I was the aisle.
27
MadamImAJ
Same. I’m the ex. Joke’s on her... she’s still fat and married to a guy making $17/hour while I’ve discovered the joys of shopping pretty much anywhere but that hellhole.
20
RJ9225
Dang. I wish I made $17 an hour.
19
MadamImAJ
F
10
talktomeg00se1986
F
6
PM_ME_UR_SECERTS
14
[deleted]
This sub does that, a lot.
This is definitely one of the highest-ranking subs on the "cannot distinguish satire from lying" scale.
10
[deleted]
What is black Wednesday and how is she married for 3 years to someone she met yesterday
293
Nincadalop
Could be that she's has been married to the security guard for 3 years, but when she calls for security her husband, the security man, shows up?
23
kingoftown
Plus, if they story were at all true, it's the only thing that would make sense. The husband security guard would be in on it and would play along with the fake ban thing.
8
EarningAttorney
the Wednesday before black Friday?
38
BuffiDoinks
heard that was called wednesday
99
db2
My dudes.
34
buffalocoinz
i thought black[out] wednesday was the day before thanksgiving when you come home for the holiday and get shitfaced with your hometown friends
7
[deleted]
15
kramer265
If you notice the Facebook profile doesn’t even have a picture. OP made a Facebook profile to create this bullshit. He’s probably one of the people who liked it. It’s a pretty easy story to call her bullshit on if it was a real Facebook.
11
Bravegreenlantern
380
I_might_be_weasel
They move on top of the racks like creepy spider people.
291
Riley20172
Am security at target. Can confirm I am spider monkey
50
thedepartment
NEVER. LOOK. UP.
13
johannes101
Can confirm, am creepy spider person
9
One_pop_each
I always see their sick ass segways all tricked out but never an actual security guard. Maybe they’re like air marshalls who wear civilian clothes to blend in bc Pop Tart theft has been on the rise since 9/11
Just realized my username ironically fits this too...
29
DaAwesomePwner
They’re plain clothes usually, so you don’t notice them
11
[deleted]
684
heresafuckinginsult
I see you’ve gained...
240
Imnotdrunk28
You must be confidence to say that
111
heresafuckinginsult
I see you’ve shown your face around here
78
db2
I now pronounce you man and wife!
53
tjbugs1
You may now kiss the SECURITY
62
MegaAlex
For 3 years
36
kitkatt_
And then the last pop tart box clapped
28
Gouge61496
Damn yesterday was a hell of a day
14
nofapisfake
Best comment chain ever
14
CastYourBread
lol yes
6
hexterr
You must be What
4
nizarbarg
tag yourself, I'm the pop tart box
10
i_am_icarus_falling
i wish i was the confidence. =(
8
Taylor7500
25
talktomeg00se1986
That sub has to be 90% bullshit
25
Taylor7500
I don't hang out in the sub so only see the posts which make it to /r/all rising or top. Yet to see one which wasn't 100% fake.
13
themaincop
Same for choosingbeggars, they're just subs for farming karma from credulous rubes.
8
Nadtastic
Just went there for the 1st time. Yup. Total bullshit.
6
Balthebb
If I was a security guard at Target and my wife yelled for me, my first words would not be "What seems to be the problem?"
They'd probably be more along the lines of, "If you're here, who's watching the fucking kids, Linda? WE TALKED ABOUT THIS LINDA. YOU DON'T NEED MORE CANDY LINDA WE HAVE CANDY AT HOME."
92
BlatantlyPancake
"She did this same exact shit when we were together bro. Stay strong."
24
100pct_Linda
NO WE DON'T DERRICK IF THERE WAS CANDY AT HOME I'D BE THERE AND THE KIDS ARE FINE
11
Shauntree
Image Transcription: Facebook Post
--- Yesterday I was in Target and I saw my ex. Here is what when down in the
candy Aisle.
Ex: YouVe gained weight.
Me: YouVe gained confidence showing your face around here.
Ex: What?
Me: you banned from Target? (He had previously punched a
customer for the last Pop Tart box on Black Wednesday) SECURITY!
Security Guard: What seems to be the pro— you! We told you never to
come back here! •grabs my ex•
Ex: This is bullshit!
Me and the Security Guard have been married for 3 years.
^^I'm'a'human'volunteer'content'transcriber'for'Reddit'and'you'could'be'too!'If'you'd'like'more'information'on'what'we'do'and'why'we'do'it,'click'here!
59
[deleted]
Thank you kind sir
7
[deleted]
Good human
5
Rstrofdth
1,825
TheMattrix1982
It is any Wednesday when Target only has one Pop-Tart box left.
2,038
Nadtastic
And who here hasn't punched another person in the face over the last pop tart?
251
mocha__
People who say they haven’t are just trying to pretend they’re better than the rest of us.
88
dicksmear
as i rained blows upon him, i realized there had to be another way
35
SlutForGarrus
If it was unfrosted cherry, I would absolutely punch the shit out of a baby and a grandma both. A friend once tried to get them for me, but she would have had to buy an obscene amount for them to accommodate her (so I feel like a petition might work, and if it doesn’t, I’ll know she lied to me).
6
DoSeedoh
This describes every target I’ve ever been in.
I also feel like I’ve only ever entered them on a Wednesday.
12
onloanfromgod
I rarely up/downvote anything on Reddit but every once in a while a comment hits the perfect frequency
51
Xmf6489
Any obvious indicator that this is satire.
33
strawberrycircus
It roughly translates to 'this story is a joke.'
23
funkymoose123
I completely missed that and just focused on the absurdity of someone getting in a fight over the last pop tart box
2
Jibblethead
It's the daughter in the new Netflix series Addams Fam Values
5