Neighbor's kid steals my daughter's toy shovel. I "dig" up a whole lot of trouble for his single father

My daughter Jo LOVES her pink shovel. Loves it. She never goes to the park without it. That kid is preparing to dig up some artifacts at all times.

Well, one day, the shovel goes missing. Jo is balling crying, asking me and my wife where it went. I look all over and can't find it, and think... shit. We buy another one, but you know kids and how "it's not the same." I feel like a failure of a father.

Two days later, guess what I see in the neighbor's yard? THE FUCKING SHOVEL. I even check to make sure its the right one. Sure enough, it's got my daughters initials on it. I start flipping shit and go home and rant to my wife. At first she's hesitant: she thinks it was just kids being kids and we should just take the shovel back. Uh-uh. No one fucks with my daughter. After some persuading, my wife allows me to take revenge. And she gives me some excellent information: the kid's dad is a single parent.

I begin my revenge. I learn that the dad owns his own plumbing company. So, I call him from a burner phone and ask him if he can fix my sink plumbing tomorrow. I give him an address 15 miles away, in the middle of nowhere. There's not even a phone signal there.

The next day, I'm waiting in some bushes near the address I gave him. When he pulls up and walks toward the door, I sneak toward his van and slit all of his tires. Then, I call the cops on my burner phone and say there's a man trying to rob the house he's at and drive away.

When I get back home, I climb the fence and get the shovel, give it to my daughter. I call the cops again, on a different burner, and pretend to be the neighbor's kid and say: "my daddy hasn't come home yet and I'm scared. He said he was going to commit something called "arson"?"

I sit on my porch, crack open a beer, and watch the show for the next 5 hours. Then me and my wife have glorious sex.